cold in california

Willow 2

there are bloodstains on the linen
the window, still slightly ajar
a cool breeze drifting over my skin
flashes of laughter hitting me from the night before
stale whisky on the table
where did you go

 

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you were the first thing i looked at
on a sunday in the middle of march
a moment between your exhales
where i thought
maybe i want to give you the
world

 

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and how you’re so at peace
when you sleep, it’s as if
you and the universe
have agreed to let each other be
completely fragile and undisturbed
if only just for a moment

 

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seven days with you, that’s all it took
seven days with you, and all i wanted to do
was endlessly whisper
‘i love you’

 

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being with you scares the hell out of me
because i don’t know if i’ll ever be able 
to un-love you

so for right now
i don’t want to be anything but in love
with you

 

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i want you to kiss me in the dark
navigate your way to me
underneath the stars

 

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i’m starting to love myself a little more
each day you allow me to 
love you

 

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hello, you whispered
hello, i whispered back
my mornings don’t feel the same
without your whispers between the sheets

 

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early october in wyoming
trees drifting with the autumn winds
it’s quiet, moody
with grey skies and never ending 
shadows
your hand is in mine
and we are infinite

 

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for twenty six years i refused to settle
then you came along
with your entire being
and cradled my soul

i’d wait another twenty six for you

 

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i met a boy, he was so beautiful
he was blue skies and summer waves
he covered me like a warm wind

i met a boy
who was loved, and who didn’t want to be loved
by anyone but the boy he had

 

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it was too early to give you my heart
so i gave you my soul
and everything in between

 

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it was in the songs we listened to 
while driving in your car
words of beautiful people
and falling
now i listen to those songs
when i need you here

 

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i still feel the kisses on the edge of my mouth
when you smile into me
i wish i could play your happiness
on repeat

 

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i took with me all i could. visions of clothes on your bedroom floor. your body cradled into mine before the light of a sunday morning. tracing lips with fingertips, your hands chasing mine between intertwined limbs. my body is getting used to you, as your mattress is getting used to me. without thinking i whisper your name. your eyes remain closed; did i say it aloud or was it in my head. is this all in my head. one by one i remember the days spent between our weekends. where you were so often busy amongst my thoughts i often lost track of time. i want nothing more than to show you to the world; i have been scared to do that. because for so long it has been only me. until now. loving you is easy. you make me want to become the best version of myself and i think i may soon become him. every moment away from you is shared with lonely nights and deep travels through my memory pool. i navigate your features sometimes, in silence, yet you always seem to notice. “what are you thinking” you would always ask. i would always respond with “nothing” because how do i tell a face like yours that if another got to see you as i do in these moments, that it would destroy me beyond it all. the best moments of my life have never been shared. they are private, they are simple. you’re beginning to be a regular in the moments i shelve away, just for myself. i like that, and i want more of that. i want more of you. i want more of us.

 

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he loves you
don’t fuck this up

 

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i was convinced i was never to be in love
until the day i heard you laugh for the 
first time
i could have sworn my heart spoke to me
“let him have me”

 

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you infect me like a disease i’d happily live with
forever

 

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lovers from the suburbs
there’s nothing minimum about you
you are heat
a never ending warm wind
oxygen
essential to my being
essential to me

 

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i was driving home in the middle of autumn
arriving just before noon to feelings of emptiness
you weren’t here
and i thought
this couldn’t possibly be my home anymore

 

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would you believe me if i told you
i am the happiest when i am with you
could you handle that
you’d be the only one with the power to break me
please don’t

 

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you were friday nights and sunday mornings
you were becoming the roots to my world
not god-like
but a religion, just for me

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i no longer stress about the small things
knowing i have you
has put things into perspective
it is all clear now
blurry lines obsolete

 

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you’ve evolved on me
a tighter grip to my heart
the right amount of pressure
to keep me living

 

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i understand the craziness of it all now
thanks to you
my crazy, incredible boy

 

© brandonalexanderthomas