cold in california

CIC Final

I am a realist in a
generation of dreamers
yet here I sit
by the window in a run-down cafe
with a dreamer
and I don’t know who
I’d rather be

people don’t understand me
and I am glad
because it means I
am doing something
right

I’m sure it will pass
is what I would tell people
but deep down
I knew it wouldn’t
this wasn’t going anywhere
and I didn’t know whether
that gave me comfort or
if it scared me to the point
where it became too much

I think I am stuck
somewhere
half in, half out
afraid of committing
afraid of something
at least

sometimes I find myself
wandering
not because I am lost
but because the places I am
familiar with, no longer
excite me

date in private
love in private
be happy in private
fail in private
fall apart in private
rebuild in private
live in private

we shook hands like old friends
but the feelings that drifted
through me when
our hands touched
they were unknown, they were
foreign

it’s odd isn’t it
how we find ourselves in these little
predicaments of attraction
to those we have no place in
exposing our hearts to

I have had a difficult time
exploring who I am
who am I?

sometimes when I pass a window
I’ll check to see if I
still look like me
I think maybe my looks have altered
to reflect the changes on the inside
but they never do
and I am thankful

I’m holding the door closed
while peering through the window
able to see what’s trying to get inside
and telling myself I am not ready
for it to come through;
an unwelcome guest

among a crowd I could be mistaken
for just another boy
a youthful adult
with aspirations like everyone else
borderline dreams, simple
but little does the outside eye know
just how different I am
unique perhaps
who refuses to be grouped together
and categorised
with the people whom he walks among
a pioneer for himself only
with hopes to walk his path alone

the things I desire
well they scare me so

there are no responsibilities at 1am
perhaps that is why I come alive at night

for years my life has been a
collection of ‘I don’t knows’
I don’t know why

I feel the sadness more
when I feel the tears run down my face
a painless sorrow
a reminder, I can break too

I am not ready to be someone’s partner
maybe it is not for me
maybe you are not supposed to feel ready
maybe I will never know
it’s just the majority of us
society that is
become something to someone before they are ready
someone’s Saturday night
Monday to friday
someone’s two years
and then it’s all gone
I want more
than temporary

it feels like just yesterday I was 17
I am now twenty-something with
dreams of a time machine

it was fleeting
I was absorbed in the new of it all
until a day in January
when the dandelions
no longer appeared

I’ve started to play the game
I’ve started to hate that I am exactly
like the rest of you
I’m disappointed, but mostly just sad
I thought I was different
turns out I am just another
fallen leaf

before I die
I want to thrive

I’m starting to love myself a little more
each day you allow me to
love you

Willow 2

© brandonalexanderthomas