Helpless at Nineteen

Willow 2

the wind whispers against our skin
beads of sweat glistening in the light
limbs intertwined
sounds of youth
a moment in the reeds

 

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i steal glances at my parents
and i can see that they are haunted
is it by mistakes they have made
opportunities they have missed
i wish i could take that away from them
the hurt, the regret they feel
i wish i could wrap them in my arms
and tell them that i love them
but i am haunted too

 

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a quiet moment beneath the blue

 

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i could tell you our fortune
or i could do as i always do
and slip away
i’ll spare you the pain
that would have come eventually

 

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some days i break 
it’s instant, heavy
it sticks to my heart
and seeps into my soul
the silent suffering

 

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i am 25 and completely weathered

 

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103 days in the green and i have never felt more blue

 

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it feels like just yesterday i was 17;
i am now twenty something
with dreams of a time machine

 

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it’s midday as we lay between the lemon trees
it’s the middle of summer
you’re here for a few days
your mum has a new man in the house
but you don’t get along
that’s fine though
because you’re never home
you wish you could pack up and move away
maybe here with me
i never extend the offer because we both know you would say yes
and eventually you would tire of me too
i think you know this so you don’t bring it up
i don’t think i could handle that
you getting tired of me, of us
it would break me
so i will take the few days we have now between the lemon trees
i love you
i think you love me too
but we are passing by each other in ways that don’t allow
the type of love we would inhabit

 

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it’s 12:24 and the summer haze welters in the middle of the field
boys dressed in white chasing bat and ball
a coal train passing by on the hour

 

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pine needles and the crackle of twigs
deep within a place i should not be
i can see rows upon rows of trees
pointing straight towards the sky
enough light seeping through to show me
the track ahead
i am not alone, there are others here
hiding away for now
but it won’t be long before they show themselves
for now though, i shall rest
down by the riverbed

 

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the rain patters against the tin roof
slices of watermelon and ice blocks
a summer storm they whispered
footprints against the pavement
young boys on the shoulders of their fathers
slow rumbles and flashes of white
a miracle they whispered

 

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i am a very selective person 
an observer
i am eyes and ears
people tend to talk a lot
little things slip
you would cringe
if you could hear yourself
if only you knew

 

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i don’t have the stamina

 

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sad people still turn up to the party

 

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i’ve been getting colder
for quite some time now
feelings hidden away
deep within the walls
of a man at 25

 

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some people just don’t understand
it still gets cold in california

 

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i thought the loveless generation didn’t exist
but it exists within me
i’m not sure if my love has run out 
or of it was never there in the first place

 

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i feel so unattached to society

 

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i caught the eye of a lady 
much older than i
she smiled at me
before she boarded her train
she was wearing a skirt down to her ankles
no shoes
who are you i thought
where have you been 
where are you going
i saw her take a seat by the window
she glanced back towards me
but this time there was a vacant stare
no smile
just a lady on a train

 

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be gentle i would say
be quiet is what was returned

 

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i closed myself off from the world
i blocked my growth
i decided to evolve on my own
and all i felt was dark and groggy
like a sunday in july

 

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it wasn’t easy getting here
but it’s been a bigger battle trying to
leave

 

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i hate that i tolerate

 

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it rains heavy within the walls of
me

 

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lost in the desert
hot sand between toes
shadows keeping us company
in this silent place

 

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it was fleeting
i was absorbed in the new of it all
until a day in january
when the dandelions
no longer appeared

 

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if we refuse to concede to compromise
do we really stand a chance at all
to live a life we want
to live a life we enjoy

 

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sometimes my mind betrays me
i don’t think it means to
it has these moments of weakness
where the corrosion seeps in
and begins to cripple me
i may be a young man
but i am helpless beneath this invisible force
it’s 3:54 on a sunday afternoon
i am under the sun
at peace
and then it hits
a wave of nausea
i’m drowning, tumbling
as if the ocean wants to bury me
anxiety

 

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you filled me like warm water

 

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i’ve started to play the game
i’ve started to hate that i am exactly
like the rest of you
i’m disappointed, but mostly just sad
i thought i was different
turns out i am just another
fallen leaf

 

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before i die
i want to thrive

 

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i’ve become hard lines and
short conversations
there’s a silent pain
i don’t want you to see

 

 

© brandonalexanderthomas