Helpless at Nineteen

Helpless at Nineteen

sometimes, just sometimes
I think of the rain
and wonder if we were all really
meant to be here

I almost told you
and now that almost will
haunt me,

I am starting to feel nothing again
and I don’t know why
but this time feels like
the last

my mother was everything
but I didn’t tell her
and now she is gone

you are just like my shadow
leaving me alone
when things get too much
a darkness of my own

it gets so loud at nighttime
when the world begins to
wind down
that is when it is the loudest
because there are no longer
any distractions
no more external noise to
block out the screams
the anxiety that will haunt me
a made up pain I create for myself
when the sun goes down

I once spent two months of my life
beneath a cloud
it was my youth
and I couldn’t break free
from the realms of black
I tried, I really did
but the shadows were so deep
within my being
that I could do nothing but submit
helpless at nineteen

I am darkness
I am still
I am silent
I am nobody
when I am not myself

I’m coming home
I’ll be there soon
please wait, don’t go

I am weak

the last seven years
have been very personal

and the road ended
just like that
no signs, no warnings
just an abrupt visual of

for all those that cannot read my mind
I am foggy
I am dark
I am sad

when will I get to exhale

he was stop signs and red lights
he was access denied and incorrect password
he was turn back and end of the road
he was no reply and left on seen
he was no
he was never

my petals have been removed
I am bare
there is nothing left to take away
I can’t come back from this

some days I break
it’s instant, heavy
it sticks to my heart
and seeps into my soul
a silent suffering

I thought the loveless generation didn’t exist
but it exists within me
I am not sure if my love has run out
or if it was never there in the first place

be gentle I would say
be quiet is what was returned

I closed myself off from the world
I blocked my growth
I decided to evolve on my own
and all I felt was dark and groggy
like a Sunday in july

it rains heavy within the walls of me

sometimes my mind betrays me
I don’t think it means to
it has these moments of weakness
where the corrosion seeps in
and begins to cripple me
I may be a young man
but I am helpless beneath this invisible force
it’s 3:54 on a Sunday afternoon
I am under the sun
at peace
and then it hits
a wave of nausea
I’m drowning, tumbling
as if the ocean wants to bury me

Willow 2

© brandonalexanderthomas