sad songs in the summer

i feel vacant
not on holiday
just away
personal leave
my body is here
my mind adrift

when is it time
to close a chapter
do i want to close the door
i don’t know
i don’t know
i don’t, no

you tell me i don’t talk a lot
but scream i think
i know it all when i open my mouth
i’m not here for games
go play with someone else

i find those who verbalise their
self pity, most discomforting
which is why i
am silent when they
sing their sad songs

i am a present man
future dreams are a struggle
for me to grasp
nothing to do with you
it is who i am

the more i tolerate
the more my tolerance
you are pushing me
to a harsh place

i want to drift between the boulevard
before the day brings the heat
cinnamon girl playing in my head
the hands of stranger
the lips of a no one
i crave the poetry of a place
not even i could write about

i know i am late to the party
but you were going to have a good time
even if i didn’t show up
you say you miss me
but you just miss an audience

i tell you i love you
every night before you submit to the land of the restless
but instead you would rather i express my love for you
to an audience i have little care for
that isn’t love
what is this game

i asked you a ‘would you rather’
the ability to fly or become invisible
you said the latter
but you surprised me when you said the reason
was so you could spy on me
we both laughed
but you weren’t joking
what a scary place
to be in the arms of another
who could rob the world
but chooses to be the camera in the corner

I miss how I was in the beginning
beaming, excitable
but the clouds have gathered
and now they gather over you too

I break my own heart
it hurts more
but it’s easier this way

a finished product I am not
broken until the day my
heart stops

I feel stolen
removed from my rightful place
plucked from the suburbs
and placed under the bleachers
back rows and skipped songs
a transparent existence