An Unwelcome Guest

Willow 2

darkness only scares me
when i think about
it too much
otherwise
i just become a part
of it
another shadow
a darkness of my own

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i guess you could say 
i have become a recluse
not lonely
just consumed with 
myself

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explanations for your decisions
aren’t always a necessity
people will always
ask questions;
let them

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i am a realist in a
generation of dreamers
yet i sit here
by the window
in a run down cafe
with a dreamer
and i don’t know
who i’d rather be

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i can’t cope
with the idea of
temporary

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sometimes, just sometimes
i think of the rain 
and wonder
if we were all really
meant to be 
here

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i was alone again
for breakfast this morning
and i write this, not because
i am lonely
but because i think
breakfast would be better
with you here

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almost
i almost told you
and now that almost
will haunt me;
always

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they said i had potential
but they said that to you too
didn’t they

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my mother 
seasoned to endure every emotion
every heartbreak;
though i see her sometimes
when she thinks she is alone
with a tear in her eye
and it’s then i realise
she is hurting 
just like me

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there is silence in 
truth
but there is also
hurt

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the fear i conjure 
between thoughts seems
to possess me more than
anything else

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people don’t understand me
and i am glad
because it means
i am doing something
right

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i am starting to feel nothing again
and i don’t know why
but this time it feels
like the 
last

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no one likes to be alone
but we who can adapt
to such a life
learn how to live with it
and still be
happy

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my mother was everything
but i didn’t tell her
and now she is gone

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speak up, stay quiet
it doesn’t matter
people will always expect
more

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i’m sure it will pass
is what i would tell people
but deep down
i knew it wouldn’t
this wasn’t going anywhere
and i didn’t know whether
that gave me comfort
or if it scared me
to the point
where it became 
too much

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i think i am stuck
somewhere
half in, half out
afraid of committing
afraid of something
at least

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understand that we aren’t
all destined to be in
this world
for too long

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sometimes i find myself
wandering
not because i am lost
more so because the
places i am familiar with
no longer
excite me

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i deny myself so much
isn’t that how it is
supposed to be?

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you are just like my shadow
leaving me alone
when things get too much
a darkness
of your own

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it gets so loud at night time
when the world begins
to wind down
that’s when it is the loudest
because there are no longer
any distractions
no more external noise
to block out the screams
the anxiety
that will haunt me
a made up pain
i create for myself
when the sun goes down

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i once spent two months of my life
beneath a cloud
darkness
it was my youth
and i couldn’t break free
from the realms of black
i tried
i really did
but the shadows were so deep
within my being
that i could do nothing but
submit
helpless at nineteen

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date in private
love in private
be happy in private
fail in private
fall apart in private
rebuild in private
live in private

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i craved you sober
loved you drunk
regretted it all

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because i do not know 
how to look at you
like i am not in love with you
this is why our eyes
never meet

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i can’t explain what it is
that draws me to someone
all i do know
is that when it happens
it is deep
it is dangerous
and it is impossible to break

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i am darkness
i am still
i am silent
i an nobody
when i am not myself

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it’s locker room talk
and private school hallways

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i grieve by myself

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i am surrounded by people
whose plans change like the wind
no wonder i trust no one
but myself

© brandonalexanderthomas